I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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