I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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