It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
