i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
