college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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