so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
