His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
