We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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