This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
