Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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