I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
