In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
