thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
