I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Randomize
