Kiss
Puke
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I wish life had little blips of pornography
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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