These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
