Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
we're so committed to being not committed
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
