so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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