two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
