well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
