I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
