I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
