I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
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