After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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