The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
