Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
