I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
