Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
