Ambien. No doubt about it.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize