'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
