With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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