my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
