genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
