The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
