The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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