i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
