wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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