your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
