I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
