based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
