guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
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