you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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