im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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