I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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