I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
