Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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