Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
