Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize