I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
