Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
