I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
