the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
