I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I think I sprained my soul last night
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize