I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
