i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
