I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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