Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
They are going to name an STD after you.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
