yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
