I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
