I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She bit a glass in half.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize