Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
