i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
