I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
